President Obama will address the nation tonight. Tune in to watch Republican heads explode.

It’s still Thursday and this is my third Howdygram post today. If I haven’t made amends for not posting yesterday you’re just a hopeless ingrate and I’m through with you.

I’m just kidding, okay? Don’t get your panties in a knot.

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A quick announcement for Americans interested in watching Republican heads explode ... President Obama will address the nation tonight to outline his executive actions on immigration reform! The fun starts at 8 p.m. Eastern and you can click here to watch a live stream on YouTube or tune to your favorite news channel.

According to White House spokesman Josh Earnest: “The Senate passed a bipartisan bill more than 500 days ago, and while the country waits for House Republicans to vote, the President will act — like the presidents before him — to fix our immigration system in the ways that he can.”

The President will deliver a full address from Las Vegas on Friday with more detail.

If you’re wondering WHY NOW, the Democrats all begged President Obama to hold off on immigration reform until after the midterm elections, which he did, even though waiting certainly didn’t help any of them win. Therefore, because he guaranteed to take executive action if Congress failed to act, THE PRESIDENT IS ONLY DOING WHAT HE SAID HE WOULD.

Impeachment proceedings will probably begin on Monday just in time for the holidays, and Governor Rick “Dipshit” Perry, always the patriot, has already announced his decision to sue. (First he has to learn how to spell it.)

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Here’s a big dose of genuine yum for immobile, pain-wracked seniors looking for a jazzy meal that doesn’t involve standing for more than 90 seconds or measurable labor of any kind whatsoever. It’s my easy and unique CINCINNATI CHILI RETARDO FOR SENIOR CITIZENS ON FAUX PASTA WITH SHREDDY CHEDDAR and it’s pretty much ready to eat in less than five minutes! All you need are a 15-oz. can of Skyline Original Chili — the unusual goo that made Cincinnati famous — from Soups Online or Amazon, two bags of angel hair Miracle Noodles and a small mountain of shredded cheddar cheese.

So here’s what you do. Pour both bags of Miracle Noodles in a wire strainer, rinse them under warm water and cut them up with a kitchen shears to avoid yard-long spaghetti stuck on the end of your fork. Meanwhile, warm the chili in a small saucepan, dump in the cut-up Miracle Noodles and stir a few times until everything gets hot. Serve in a big bowl with a bunch of shredded cheese on top. This is definitely what’s for dinner tonight at Howdygram headquarters!

In case you’ve never heard of Cincinnati chili, it’s basically a Greek-style meat sauce recipe invented by an immigrant community that features a strange moosh of foreign ingredients like unsweetened chocolate, cinnamon, allspice, cloves, Worcestershire sauce and vinegar. It takes hours to make the recipe from scratch (I used to do this frequently in my past life) so storing a few cans in the pantry is an excellent idea. Apparently Skyline Original Chili also has a frozen version in supermarkets nationwide but I avoid asking Sam to keep an eye out for shit like this because he hates shopping and I don’t want to annoy him.

Thank you for being here.