You know you’re getting old when you think food is prettier than movie stars.

The world’s largest chicken pot pie just walked in the front door of Howdygram headquarters escorted by a friendly delivery dude from Artizone.com. In my June 4 post [read it here] I joked that it “weighs 25 pounds and supposedly feeds eight Texans,” but as it turns out I wasn’t exaggerating. The box measures 18" x 18" x 9" and takes up a whole shelf in the fridge ... and what’s inside is even more gorgeous than Cary Grant, Robert Wagner and William Holden COMBINED. (You know you’re getting old when you think food is prettier than movie stars. Holy crap.)

It’s my plan to bake this exquisite mountain of crust-covered heaven for dinner tomorrow night and all leftovers are the permanent and exclusive property of Howdygram headquarters. (Translation: there will be no guests. Not even if you beg.)

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I’ve got an Einstein Award for you today! This time our honored recipient is the 2014 Texas Republican State Convention — yup, the whole damn convention! — that’s being held RIGHT THIS MINUTE at the Fort Worth Convention Center. Because there’s nothing like a roomful of Texas Republicans to raise stupid to a whole new level. And the festivities began with a Davy Crockett impersonator demanding a violent overthrow of the Obama administration.

Sedition is a more accurate word for this horseshit. These barely-literate, hate-driven losers — disguising themselves as a legitimate political party — are inciting a level of rabid, anti-government hysteria that’s racing us towards civil war. I hope the ATF, the FBI and local, state, and federal law enforcement agencies are paying attention to this!

Then “Crockett” suggested to thunderous applause, “Never be a member of a party whose name ends with the word RAT.” The Howdygram thinks you should never be a member of a party whose name ends with a word that’s synonymous for TOILET. Then he continued, “We must protect the rule of law in this nation. In the early 1800s at the Alamo, it ran red with the blood of the freedom fighters. In November of 2014, I want Texas to run red with the greatest candidates that have ever been seen by any state anywhere as we come and make Texas red again.”

So let me get this straight, okay? An assclown headlining the Texas Republican State Convention advocates a violent overthrow of our legally-elected federal government because a person of color resides in the White House. This is exactly what you’d expect from the party of Governor “Hairdo” Perry, Louie “Conspiracy King” Gohmert and Ted Turd Cruz. And despite fake-Crockett’s call-to-arms, none of them quite understands the actual story of the Alamo, which was an attempt to secede from Mexico over SLAVERY because slavery was banned by Santa Anna and Texas wanted to keep it. So the valiant Texas “freedom fighers” DIED FOR THE RIGHT TO OWN SLAVES and eventually cut a deal to join the U.S. as a southern slave state. A proud and valiant history. Let’s all remember the Alamo, okay?

For the record, I watched a four-minute video clip of fake-Crockett’s speech this afternoon and especially loved all the bubbas with bullhorns screaming, “OBAMA TOOK AWAY OUR FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS!” These imbeciles are so mired in hate that the irony is completely lost on them. Gah!

Thank you for your support.